This week, I’m starting rehearsals with The Dallas Opera and I’m mostly excited, but also anxious. Thanks to my subconscious for bringing that to my attention… 😅

I’m subbing on a rehearsal of Das Rheingold (Wagner) on Thursday, then starting rehearsals for The Hart Institute for Women Conductors on Friday. So it’s a lot of music to have ready at the same time.

I don’t usually feel consciously anxious- my dreams tend to bring my awareness to these feelings.

Here’s what happens when I get anxious…

1. Dreams. I’ve had two anxiety dreams in the past week.

The first: I was traveling, so I brought along a different instrument than usual. Apparently, I hadn’t even looked at it, because when I opened the case to play it for someone, it was a very strange instrument. I had no idea how to play this weird flute, and the instrument was made of a material more like foil than solid metal (this is not the first time a crumpling instrument has occurred in a dream!). So my performance was underwhelming, to say the least.

The second (last night): I was playing in a large ensemble, sitting on the outer edge of the group. The conductor (actually the music director of TDO lol) was standing right by me. The stand was way off to my left, so I could only see the last few bars of each line. I was faking most of it, but as convincingly as I could. I got to the ending 4 bars early, but repeated the last four bars so I ended with everyone else.

Then, the conductor looked at me with a very disproving look, even though I thought I did pretty well considering the circumstances. 😭

2. Urge to shop. I tend to want to buy stuff, usually clothes. I think it’s partly a distraction, and partly wanting to look confident when I feel insecure.

Coping

All the calming techniques in the world can do nothing for me in this situation. I mean, there is certainly good use for meditation, deep breathing, exercise, etc., but the real confidence in performance comes from preparation.

The best thing I do is to use the anxiety adrenaline to study like crazy. Listen with the score, listen without the score, listen constantly. A little playing through the part, but mostly a TON of listening.

With an opera (Rheingold is 2.5 hours playing time), this is very time consuming. But in this situation, where I have to be ready to play the part in context, focusing on listening is definitely the most efficient approach. I maintain my playing with 1-2 hours of daily practice- at least half on fundamentals (sound and scales).

By the time I’ve studied the score with the recording several times, mostly to mentally master my entrances, the part itself is pretty easy. I already know what it looks and sounds like. To be honest, I haven’t actually played through all the parts yet. I can tell there’s only one or two measures that need technical work.

Otherwise, I remove any obligations that I can from my schedule, to focus my mental and creative energy on the music.

Basics like getting enough sleep, moderate exercise, and eating well are important too, but I feel like those are habits to build in daily life. Then you can rely on established habits in more stressful times.

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Accepting anxiety

I think there is a healthy level of performance anxiety that inspires me to do my best. The pressure of a performance forces me to focus. It’s kind of stressful, but also exciting.

Once I’ve prepared (or over prepared) myself, I can be more relaxed at the rehearsal/performance, and respond to the music in the moment. I guess that’s what I’m aiming for- enough preparation to be able to be flexible in the group.

I think all performers experience anxiety, and it’s important to acknowledge it, and learn to use those feelings in a productive way. I don’t think totally eliminating anxiety is realistic, or even desirable.