5/30/25

Moving from a creative idea, concept, or fantasy to reality invites an amount of disappointment. Inevitably, something is lost in that transition.

I often go through a stage of mourning my initial inspiration- I feel incompetent, question the validity of my idea, and otherwise doubt myself. It’s usually after the first iteration of the idea in the “real world.”

As I write this, I’m in that mourning stage. It’s about a month until my recital, and I had my first rehearsal yesterday. During the rehearsal, it became clear to me that I had to scrap my idea of playing most of the program from memory. I’ve been practicing from memory for a few months, and though I am able to play the pieces, I think the harmonic language is still too foreign to me, and therefore harder to “absorb.” My memory recall felt unreliable.

I can tell that the performance, music, and experience will be much better if I swallow my pride and play with the part. For the past three years, it’s been my goal to play an entire recital from memory, and I haven’t achieved it yet. I was able to play most of my previous two programs (2024, 2023) from memory, but the style of the music this year is more challenging for me.

So I still haven’t achieved my goal. I actually spent the entire year playing most of the Pan-Tones shows from memory, working on developing my confidence in that department. I even started really early this year, beginning my memorization immediately after our Valentine’s Day show.

It’s frustrating, but I am accepting my adjusted idea of the recital. I am reminding myself that it’s an expected stage of the process, and that an imperfect idea in reality is much better than a perfect idea in fantasy.

6/2/25

I ended up taking a couple days off “practicing” in the traditional sense. I was honestly feeling pretty bummed. I felt a weight on my chest, a lump in my throat, and was having a lot of negative thoughts. So instead of getting my flute out during practice time, I listened to the rehearsal recording.

I guess I was feeling emotionally and physically drained. I’ve been in a state of overdrive- waking up earlier than usual, banging out arrangements, cramming music into my memory. My body starts to show signs of distress when I push too hard- my stomach gets upset, skin breaks out, and my neck and shoulders get tight.

The morning of my rehearsal, I made an arrangement of L’Elephant from Carnival of the Animals (for creative movement at dance night :)). Later that day, I took a nap and had a dream that I had gotten a group together to perform Carnival. Unfortunately, at the first rehearsal, I realized I had been so focused on organizing the people, I completely forgot to practice Voliere. That was pretty stressful… and one of my classic signs of anxiety.

So yesterday, I let myself rest. I let the kids watch movies all afternoon, took a long nap, and went to bed early. Today, I feel better. I feel more positive about the recital and myself overall.

6/4/25

For the past few days, I’ve been doing what I call in my head “sleep-loading.”

I am often choosing between sleep or work- especially early in the morning, during my practice time, and at night after the kids go to bed. But once I start noticing those physical signs of stress, I lay down the law for myself- no squeezing in extra work, and sleep as much as possible.

After a few days of prioritizing rest, my whole nervous system calms down. My thoughts are more positive, my skin clears and brightens up, and I feel physically refreshed- calm but energized.

I’ve also decided to recalibrate my goal for my recital- I’m going to aim to memorize the entire recital, and practice it that way, but perform with the music. That still gives me a good challenge and moves me towards my goal, but without the extra anxiety and pressure of performing from memory. Practicing from memory and performing from memory are two different animals, and the latter takes significantly more time and repetition.