Knoxville was a deep audition for me. About a month before the audition, I happened to talk with a mother whose teenage daughters were suffering with/having treatment for eating disorders. I offered her my own experience with anorexia as a teenager in empathy, which made me think more deeply about my experience.

My anorexia was undiagnosed and untreated, and I didn’t realize/admit my behavior was an eating disorder until I was in my twenties. I don’t think about it on a daily basis, and wouldn’t have claimed “anorexic” as part of my identity (classic denial). In thinking about it, I borrowed “Gaining: The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders,” and realized how many of my mental patterns and behaviors are shared with people with current or former eating disorders.

I had realized before that perhaps one of the reasons why I’ve chosen this particular path of orchestral auditions/playing is that it forces me to push against the “anorexic” voices in my mind. While I no longer restrict food intake, and haven’t for about 20 years, “Gaining” helped me realize that some of the psychological patterns still remain.

Taking a professional audition is a perfect breeding ground for those destructive, perfectionistic voices to take hold of my mind. As a result, I think taking all of these auditions (Knoxville is #24) is an exercise in me arguing/pushing back against those voices.

Some of the qualities that I possess that are characteristic of eating disorders are:
-Perfectionism
-Controlling behavior (for me it is self-control)
-Compulsive behaviors (practicing/working)
-Belief that something is wrong with one’s self

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Speaking of compulsions, it was REALLY hard for me to not just get my flute back out today, put my head back down, and practice some Moyse/T&G/excerpts. But it didn’t feel quite right to gloss over my Knoxville experience. I felt like there were some important feelings and thoughts I had to process today, and I am trying to honor that.

I shared the recordings I made of my audition on IG, and since I had such a response to it, I will also share it here. I played Mozart, Scherzo, and the beginning of William Tell.

Finally, a financial summary of the experience:

Flight	413.8
Air BnB	233.51
Lessons	350
Food	65.37
Uber/Lyft	103.21
Recordings (to study)	4.97
Total	1170.86